Self-Care Is Not One-Size-Fits-All

For some women, self-care looks like a quiet morning before the rest of the world needs them. For others, it is a walk, a nap, a phone call with a close friend, prayer, movement, creativity, or finally setting a boundary without apologizing for it.

Somewhere along the way, self-care became a phrase attached to products, routines, and carefully styled moments. It was easy to think it had to look a certain way. A candle. A facial. A clean house. A perfect morning routine.

And while those things can be lovely, real self-care is much more personal than that.

It begins with a better question: What do I actually need?

For women over 40, that question can become especially important. Life is often full. Careers, families, aging parents, changing bodies, relationships, responsibilities, and the pressure to keep showing up can leave many women running on empty. What restored us in one season may not be what restores us now.

I spoke with Julie, of Collinsville, IL. about what she sees self-care as. She said that for her it’s about carving out time for something that brings peace, balance, and renewal. Sometimes that may be as simple as taking a walk or treating herself to a favorite coffee.

Her understanding of self-care has changed over time. In the past, she says she would have defined it more as taking care of physical needs, mostly related to appearance. Now, she sees that mental and emotional self-care are just as important.

For Julie, restoration may come from a phone call with a good friend, a short nap when she feels overwhelmed, a walk, music, or prayer. Her version of self-care is not complicated. It is about noticing what helps her reset and making space for it.

I also spoke with Annette, of Collinsville, IL. who pays attention to her energy. When she feels drained or low, she sees that as her signal to slow down and recharge.

She used to feel guilty for taking time for herself. Now, she sees it differently. Prioritizing her own well-being helps her show up stronger and more capable in every other area of life.

That shift is an important one. Many women are used to caring for everyone else first. They learn to push through exhaustion, ignore their own needs, and call it strength. Strength, though, is not the same as depletion. Sometimes the stronger choice is recognizing when something has to change.

For Annette, boundaries have become a major part of self-care, especially this year. Setting them has helped reduce stress and allowed her to focus more on what fills her cup. Rest and quiet time help her recharge. Yoga helps quiet her mind and release tension. Friendships re-energize her. Faith grounds and guides her. Creativity, especially designing and decorating her home, gives her a joyful outlet for expression.

One small habit has made a surprisingly big difference: starting her mornings outside with matcha instead of scrolling. That simple choice has created a calmer, more grounded start to her day.

Her advice to another woman who feels like she is always taking care of everyone else is clear: caring for yourself is just as important as caring for others. When you fill your own cup first, you can give from a place of strength, not depletion.

That idea is also at the heart of Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin. Lakshmin is a board-certified psychiatrist who specializes in women’s mental health. Her book challenges the idea that self-care is simply something we buy, schedule, or perform when we are already worn down. Instead, she describes real self-care as something deeper and more sustainable.

In Real Self-Care, Lakshmin focuses on practices such as setting boundaries, treating yourself with compassion, identifying your values, and asserting your power in your own life. Her work is a reminder that self-care is not only about what we do when we are exhausted. It is also about the choices we make before we reach burnout. It is learning to say no when something is draining us. It is giving ourselves permission to rest without earning it first. It is paying attention to what matters to us instead of constantly responding to what everyone else expects.

Another helpful resource is Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity by Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith. Dalton-Smith is a board-certified internal medicine physician and wellness speaker known for her work around rest and burnout. In Sacred Rest, she explains that rest is not one single thing. Her work identifies seven types of rest: physical, mental, emotional, social, sensory, creative, and spiritual.

That idea helps explain why self-care looks so different from woman to woman. Exhaustion is not always solved by sleep alone. Sometimes we need physical rest. Other times, we need emotional rest, social rest, creative rest, mental rest, sensory rest, or spiritual rest.

Julie’s answer reflects several of those needs. A nap may offer physical rest. Prayer may offer spiritual rest. Music, walking, and a phone call with a good friend may bring emotional or social restoration.

Annette’s answer reflects them too. Yoga helps her release tension. Quiet mornings help her begin the day grounded. Friendships re-energize her. Faith guides her. Decorating and designing her home gives her creative rest and expression.

Together, their responses show something important: self-care is not about copying someone else’s routine. It is about becoming honest about your own needs.

One woman may need quiet. Another may need movement. One may need time with friends. Another may need time alone. One may need to step away from screens. Another may need to return to creativity, faith, or nature.

Self-care may change as life changes. What worked at 30 may not work at 45 or 55. What felt restorative in one season may feel impossible in another. That does not mean you are doing it wrong. It means you are allowed to adjust.

For some women, self-care may still include the outward things: a haircut, a skincare routine, a new outfit, or a day spent feeling pulled together. Those things can matter too. Still, for many women, especially in this stage of life, self-care becomes less about appearance and more about alignment.

It becomes less about looking refreshed and more about actually feeling restored.

Julie and Annette both show that self-care does not have to be grand to be meaningful. It can be a walk, a nap, a prayer, a boundary, a morning outside, a creative outlet, a conversation with a friend, or the decision to stop scrolling and start the day with more peace.

Maybe the better question is not, “Am I doing enough self-care?”

Maybe the better question is, “What part of me needs care right now?”

That answer will not be the same for every woman.

And that is exactly the point.

Resources Mentioned

Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
A book about redefining self-care beyond surface-level wellness. It focuses on boundaries, compassion, values, and personal power.
Find it here: Dr. Pooja Lakshmin — Real Self-Care

Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy, Restore Your Sanity by Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith
A book about understanding the different kinds of rest we need, including physical, mental, emotional, social, sensory, creative, and spiritual rest.
Find it here: Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith — Sacred Rest