What if one of the most meaningful measures of a life well lived isn’t what we accomplish, but how people feel because we were part of their lives?
Lately, I’ve been sitting with a question that seems simple on the surface but becomes more powerful the longer I think about it:
What is it like to be on the other side of me?
Not the version of me I see in the mirror. Not the person I intend to be. But the person others actually experience.
What does it feel like to have a conversation with me? To work alongside me? To be my friend, my husband, my daughter, or even the stranger who crosses my path on an ordinary Tuesday?
Do people leave my presence feeling seen, heard, encouraged, and valued? Or do they sometimes leave feeling rushed, overlooked, or unheard?
It’s an uncomfortable question. But perhaps that’s what makes it worth asking.
The Feeling We Leave Behind
I’ve always loved the wisdom Oprah Winfrey frequently shares from her mentor, Maya Angelou:
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Think about the people who have had the greatest influence on your life.
Chances are, you don’t remember every conversation you shared or every piece of advice they offered. But you remember how you felt around them.
Maybe someone believed in you before you believed in yourself. Maybe a teacher encouraged you, a friend listened without judgment, or someone made you feel important at a time when you were questioning your worth.
We all have people like that.
And here’s what I’ve been wondering: Am I that person for someone else?
Love Is in the Details
I recently watched Oprah’s conversation with her longtime friend Colin Cowie, the renowned event planner and author of The Gold Standard: Giving Customers What They Didn’t Know They Wanted.
Something about their conversation stayed with me.
When Colin plans an event, he doesn’t simply focus on the food, decorations, or beautiful surroundings. He thinks about the experience he’s creating and how he wants people to feel.
Oprah and Colin share a philosophy: Love is in the details.
I started thinking about how that same intention could transform our everyday relationships.
What if we approached an ordinary conversation with the same thoughtfulness that Colin brings to creating an extraordinary celebration?
What if, before meeting a friend for coffee, we asked ourselves, “How do I want her to feel when we leave?”
What if we approached our family gatherings, workplace conversations, or even interactions with strangers with that same intention?
We don’t need elaborate celebrations or grand gestures to make people feel special.
Sometimes love is remembering something important to someone. Putting down our phone. Asking a thoughtful question. Listening to the answer. Following up when we said we would.
The smallest details can create the most lasting impressions.
Creating a Safe Place to Be Human
Leadership author Simon Sinek explores another dimension of this idea in his TED Talk, Why Good Leaders Make You Feel Safe.
His message is that leadership isn’t simply about authority or accomplishment. It’s about creating an environment where people feel safe, supported, and able to be themselves.
Although Sinek discusses this in the context of leadership, I believe it applies to every relationship we have.
Are we someone others feel comfortable being honest with?
Can someone admit they’ve made a mistake without fearing our reaction?
Can the people closest to us disagree with us, share a concern, or reveal a vulnerability without feeling judged?
And perhaps most importantly, what happens to our presence when life gets stressful?
It’s easy to be patient, encouraging, and kind when everything is going our way. The greater challenge is remaining intentional when we’re tired, overwhelmed, distracted, or frustrated.
I know there are days when my intentions are better than my execution.
That’s part of being human.
But self-awareness gives us an opportunity to close the gap between the person we want to be and the person others experience.
A Different Perspective on Midlife
One of the gifts of midlife is the opportunity to reevaluate what really matters.
For years, many of us have been busy building careers, raising families, managing responsibilities, and checking off the endless items on our to-do lists.
We’ve measured our days by how much we’ve accomplished.
And while there’s nothing wrong with ambition or achievement, I’m increasingly interested in a different measurement.
Not simply, “What did I get done today?”
But, “How did I show up today?”
Did I offer someone my full attention?
Did I encourage someone who needed it?
Did I make the people closest to me feel loved, or did they get whatever energy I had left after giving so much of myself to everyone else?
That last question can be especially challenging.
Sometimes the people we love most experience the most exhausted version of us.
The good news is that becoming more intentional doesn’t require reinventing ourselves. It begins with awareness and small choices.
The Wake We Leave Behind
Psychologist and author Henry Cloud offers a metaphor I love: We leave a wake behind us, just like a boat moving through the water.
One side of that wake represents our results. The other represents our relationships.
It reminds me that what we accomplish matters, but so does what happens to people along the way.
Did we help them grow? Did we strengthen their confidence? Did we leave a relationship better than we found it?
We can’t control every feeling another person has about us, and being a positive presence doesn’t mean pleasing everyone or avoiding difficult conversations.
Sometimes caring deeply requires honesty, boundaries, and uncomfortable truths.
But we can choose the intention we bring to those moments. We can be honest without being unkind. We can hold boundaries while still showing respect.
We can make people feel valued even when we don’t agree.
Your Presence Is Your Legacy
Here’s a little challenge I’m giving myself, and I’d love for you to join me.
Before your next meaningful interaction, ask yourself:
How do I want this person to feel after spending time with me?
Maybe the answer is encouraged. Safe. Appreciated. Inspired. Understood. Loved.
Then think about one small thing you can do to create that experience.
And if you’re feeling brave, ask someone you trust what it’s actually like to be on the other side of you.
Listen with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
We may not always love what we hear, but we might discover something that helps us become more of the person we aspire to be.
At this stage of life, I’m realizing that a meaningful life isn’t only about the experiences we collect.
It’s also about the experiences we create for others.
Because long after the conversation ends, the meeting is over, or the celebration has passed, something remains.
The experience of being in our presence.
What kind of experience are you creating?
And perhaps an even more meaningful question:
Are people better for having spent time with you?
Sources & Inspiration for “The Experience of You: How Do People Feel in Your Presence?”
1. Oprah Winfrey & Colin Cowie — The Gold Standard
Oprah’s conversation with her longtime friend Colin Cowie, author of The Gold Standard: Giving Customers What They Didn’t Know They Wanted, inspired the idea that the most meaningful experiences are created by intentionally considering how we want others to feel.
2. Simon Sinek — Why Good Leaders Make You Feel Safe
Sinek’s TED Talk explores how great leaders create environments where people feel safe, valued, and supported. His message connects beautifully to the experience others have in our presence.
https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_why_good_leaders_make_you_feel_safe
3. Simon Sinek — Five Tips to Build Strong Leadership Presence
An additional resource exploring leadership presence, meaningful connections, and trust.
https://simonsinek.com/stories/simons-5-tips-to-build-strong-leadership-presence
4. Maya Angelou & Oprah Winfrey — How You Make People Feel
Oprah frequently shares the wisdom associated with Maya Angelou that people may forget our words and actions but remember how we made them feel. This is one of the central inspirations for the article. The saying’s original attribution is disputed.
5. Dr. Henry Cloud — Integrity
In his book Integrity, Henry Cloud explores the concept of the wake we leave behind, including our results and the impact we have on relationships.
6. Ryan Leak — What Is It Like to Be on the Other Side of Me?
Leadership speaker and author Ryan Leak uses this powerful question to encourage self-awareness and reflection on how other people experience us.
